Driving test centres?
I was recently waiting in a driving test centre (it shall remain nameless) for my candidate while they were out on their part two test. I got to thinking about all the different people I have taken for test over the years. The pupils you dread taking for test, the pupils you will be sad to see pass because you got on so well with them, (I have made many good friends over the years with my pupils), the pupils you cant remember because they never spoke to you. The list is long. Anyway, back to the test centre. You know what it is like in those waiting rooms. The atmosphere is always drenched in the smell of fear, anxiety, and the apprehension of the unknown “test”, it is in the walls, and it is in the sticky carpets. (Wouldn’t want to do a swab on them carpets).Instructors reassuring their nervous pupils etc. “You’ll be fine, just drive like you do on your lessons”. I always say, drive and don’t worry what the examiner is thinking, don’t let them put you off, and to do this just imagine them sat in a big nappy!! Works for me………….
I have found over the years having used test centres all over the country that you really do get all kinds of instructor waiting for their pupil in these places. I would like to share my findings with you all if you would be so gracious as to let me take you gently by the hand and walk you through a one particular experience of waiting at a driving test centre. My first, nearly two decades ago……………………………….
I remember when I first started working as a driving (trainee) instructor, I was on a pink badge because I wanted to gain experience by experimenting on real “patients”, sorry “pupils”. I figured this would be the best way to go, so did the manager who was the manager at the BSM branch I trained from at the time. (Although with hindsight my well being was the least of his concerns, he was too busy robbing the branch of money, I remember him looking and smelling like a monkey). So I was literally thrown in at the deep end with a full diary and a car from an instructor that had just left the country because he did a runner with his franchise fee and the cash from a pupil that had paid up front for 30 hours.
The car smelt strongly of cigarettes and had dubious stains on the front seats. It had all the finesse of an old battered whore after one too many bangs if you know what I mean!! I was going to be paying A LOT in the way of a franchise for this load of crap. Anyway, this was my new “working tool” “my office”. I gave it a really good clean and its true to say you really can “polish a turd” with enough determination! At the time I was the youngest person to work with this particular franchise/office. The office had 30 plus well established male ADI’s there, a few would bragg and boast of their prowess with the female pupils! (Cringe) (Just sicked up a bit). I was quite shy and more than abit intimidated by these guys, but I didn’t let that show (much). What didn’t help was the fact that every time I walked into the office to update my pad/diary, everyone stopped what they were doing and just stood staring at me in silence!! It was like a scene from a horror film, “new person walks into remote pub, all goes quiet” “watch out for those them wolfs out on that there moorrrrre” “loud howling can now be heard in the distance…………. You get the idea I am sure. I remember they just would not talk to me. It was like the sketch show Paul Whitehouse did, you know the one when the female talks and the men just cant hear her talking and then use her idea anyway. So weird. I just got used to it.
One day I was told I was taking two other ADI’s pupils for their driving test because the ADI’s in question were “just too busy” to take their pupil for test, I was told this was just normal practice. Little did I know at the time that this was a usual stunt pulled on the “pink badges”? “Let the trainee take other ADI’s pupils for test because the ADI knows how shite they are and doesn’t want the risk of their car being smashed up on test or their pass rate infected”. Nice….
So like a lamb to the slaughter I was forced to take these two unknown pupils for their tests. Innocently driving around one of roughest parts of Birmingham looking for where the pupil lives at short notice is no fun let me tell you. I am now secretly crapping myself at the idea of not knowing what “test standard” is, even though I just scraped a pass on the part two test! (That’s a whole other blogg let me tell you) I had one test booked for in that very morning and the other in the afternoon. I knocked at the door of the first pupil Ms Patel, and led her to my car, she spoke no English. As we drove to the test centre, I knew something was wrong with her driving because I found myself clenching my arse cheeks in a way I had only ever done previously if I had come down with food poisoning. This pupils driving was scary, not even ready for a driving test in my very inexperienced humble opinion. I was too new to the industry to say anything to the office manager. His monkeyness scared me. He always came across as “harassed”. Mobile phones back then were not the norm to have so we stopped off at the bsm office. I plucked up the courage to go into the office and quietly whisper to the manager
“I don’t think my pupil can drive very well”. “I’m not sure she should take her test”.
I was told to just take her and it would be fine. That was it. That’s all I got from monkey boy.
So with no idea what to do I took Ms Patel for her driving test. She didn’t speak English and I had very little knowledge of “wooky Streeet” back in those days (what’s Wookeey Street you ask, read on).
So picture the scene. It is a freezing cold day in November, I have made an effort in what I am wearing because in my mind that is what I should do (I learned not all ADI’s thought this way). We end up parked near to the test centre (Maypole Birmingham). I run through the Highway Code quickly at the last minute. (No show I tell me back then).
We get out the car and make the short walk to the gloomy test centre. Outside there are a bunch of portly middle aged men smoking cigarettes, quite “clicky” chatting to one another. As I walk toward them in my smart suit I say with a smile “good morning”. I get a “grunting” sound from two of these “professionals”. Imagine any scene form “Life on Mars with Gene Hunt and that pretty much summed up the scene in that moment. (“Fire up the quarto”.)
Ms Patel and I shuffled past the bunch of ADI’s that had congregated outside the test centre and into the waiting room. The room resembled a cross between a dentists holding area and the “before” picture of “60 minute makeover”. Bleak. I sat down next to my pupil, ware I tried to reassure Ms. Patel that she would be “fine” and that “it will all go well”. I imagined my nose growing in a Pinocchio styley. I knew there was more chance of Satan ice skating his way to work than her passing her test!! Did I tell her? Did I fuck as like!
All the “Gene Hunt” look-alikes shuffled in to the waiting room. I was amazed at how scruffy they all looked, was this the dress code, was this the “look” of the profession I had trained and studied so bloody hard to get into. Is this the sum of what an ADI should dress like when taking a pupil for test or a lesson? One by one the “Hunts” as I will refer to these men as (I will really try not to insert the “C”) slopped next to their respective pupils. I was hoping at this point none of them would discover my true identity as a “pink badge”. Could I “fudge” my way through this and convince the Hunts I was “one of them”. Suddenly a door burst open just to the left of the waiting room, as if something very exciting was about to happen,
“Tonight Mathew I am going to be………” “Dry ice bellowing around”………..
A bunch of VERY stern looking middle aged to late fifties bald, chubby, serious men came walking through the door (I wondered what was on the other side of the door, (Narnia perhaps?) One by one the Examiners nodded at each of the ADI’s sat in the waiting room, except for me. I was “new”. I had not earned the “nod”…………………..YET!! The examiners called out the various candidates names. As they did so they did that effing “nod” to the corresponding ADI’s sat down next to their respective pupils.. Lastly my Ms Patel was called out. I smiled at the examiner, hoping my smile would be reciprocated by a “nod”, was it fuck as like! He looked at me like I was another test candidate waiting for their instructor. I found this to be true because he said to me “ware is your instructor, there are no more examiners to come out? (From Narnia). I could feel the wave of boiling hot embarrassment climbing up my torso like a rush of fire heading toward my face. There was no escaping it; I had become 5 years old again. I could feel my cheeks turning bright red. What must have been 5 seconds in real time felt like minutes, not dissimilar to a car crash? I summoned up the courage to say……
Now at this point I need to point out that I really had not anticipated the fact that I was going to loose the power of speech and the use of the English language along with any discernable physical control over my arms or hands. In my head I was saying as a reply
“Hello My name is Rachel and I am Ms Patel’s instructor today so I am not waiting for my Instructor thank you”. “Ms Patel is taking her test not me”. “Simple mistake seeing as my umbilical cord is clearly still attached to my stomach! (I was very young).
What actually came out of my mouth was……………….
“Errr, errr errr errr. I. I. I. Errr. Errr. Errr. Me. I am. Its me Err. Its her not me, not me errr”
The examiner at this point is looking straight at me like I have some sort of speech impediment. (To be fair I did) His eyes are all squinty and disapproving. The Hunts are all sniggering to each other. The examiner just nods at the Hunts, and then shakes his head slowly from left to right at me as apposed to the “nod” of knowing and walks out with Ms Patel. Well now this story brings me back to the original opening of my blogg. “Types of Instructor in waiting room at test centres.”
Imagine if you will………. There are 6 Hunts and 1 me. What happened next is burned into my soul. The conversation went something like this,
Hunt 1 to me:
“New?”
Me:
“Errrr yeahh yes new well kinda new, err I mean new to this job but err not new to teaching, I mean I have been teaching other things in my other err job errr I was a trainer err err (inner voice kicks in now: “you are talking shit Rachel, SHUT THE FUCK UP). “Err yeah im new”.
Hunt 2:
“Trainee”?
Me:
“Errr errr errr errrr yeah trainee BSM”. “Yeah do you know them?”
All Hunts are laughing at me now.
Hunt 3:
“Taken a part three test yet?”
Me:
“Errr no not yet err want to get some experience first you know before I take it errr” “im going to” “ errr I herd everyone fails first time”.
Hunt 1:
“Well you won’t pass with BSM their shit.” “Their crap” ” You’re a girl aswell”
Me:
“Err err err I think the guy that is training me is ok really”. “errr girl?” “don’t they pass”?
Hunt 5:
“No they don’t, not round ere” “ahh she’ll learn, let’s go for a fag and a brew guys”.
Me:
“Oh thanks, is it close?”
Hunt 1:
“You can wait here love” ……………………….
Hunt 6:
“I’ll wait here thanks”.
Hunts all go shuffling off together like a herd of Wildebeest to their watering hole, except Hunt 6. For some reason I think Hunt 6 had taken pity on me in my moment of humiliation and in my 5 year old like status. I sit there pathetically hunched over wanting the ground to swallow me whole, thinking if I could grow a penis I might stand a chance of getting the “nod”. I’m riddled with embarrassment and feeling totally out of my depth. I felt alone, inexperienced, too young, and too female and out of my comfort zone.
Hunt 6: “Listen, don’t think we are like those guys. “I’m not like them”. “My advice to you is learn your subject, get through your part three and keep learning and your get there”.
Me:
I lifted my heavy head and looked up so I could see if there was any kindness in Hunts eyes. I just saw pity. “Thank you”. I said. I no longer wanted to grow a penis. I made a vow never to be act like a man in mans world, why should I. I like girly things too much!!
Ironically that day both pupils passed their test. In those days they were allowed over 15 minor faults and could still pass. This event lifted my spirits and restored a little bit of confidence in my dented ego. I now had a 100% pass rate!! Not bad for a trainee I thought.
I always will remember that day and how it felt to not be one of the”Hunts”. Years on I still am not one of the Hunts thank god. If any thing it made me more determined to get through my part three and gather more qualifications in the industry. The best thing about Karma is, two years on from that event I became an Instructor trainer for several of the branches of bsm around Birmingham!! The Hunts all ignored me when I went into the office, along with the other male ADI’s that thought I was too young and too inexperienced to have the job. I got the job because I was the best choice. It did not make me popular in that office, I left not long after to continue Instructor training at a large national (that really is another blogg) let me tell you!! I am sure every single ADI that reads this will at some point experienced those feelings of “out of your comfort zone” in the early days of joining this profession. So now I will share the standard types of conversations I hear when I am waiting in the test centre:
1. “Iv got more work on than I can handle” (ADI’s car can always be seen parked outside their house during the daytime and at weekends.)
2. “I’m a grade 6 don’t you know”. (yeah, course you are)
3. “Iv done abit of instructor training, do you want me to give you some help?
4. “All my female pupils are throwing themselves at me; they turn up for their lessons in a skirt”.
5. “I only use my phone on a lesson to text”.
6. “My pass rate is 100%”.
7. “I passed my part two 1st time”
8. “I passed my part 3 first time”
9. “My first lesson is free”
10. “My second lesson is also free”
11. “I don’t teach Asians”
12. “I don’t teach Gypsies”
13. “I don’t teach after 6pm”
14. “I don’t teach at weekends”
15. “I don’t do 8.30am driving tests but I am today”
16. “ I don’t teach people who look like they might be dyslexic”
17. “I don’t teach Chinese people”
18. “I don’t teach people that have bad breath”
19. “They will pass, iv taught them all the test routes”
20. “That examiner always passes my pupils”
21. “That examiner always fails my pupils”
22. “That examiner is a wanker”
23. “That examiner is nice”
24. “Iv told her to wear a skirt and smile so she’ll be fine with him on test”
25. “Iv told HIM to wear a skirt, he’ll be fine with him on test”
26. “Iv told my pupil not talk about why he got his points on his license”
27. “Iv told my pupil to drive like he nicked it down the dual carriageway”
28. “Iv tried cutting down on the fags during lessons”
29. “They don’t mind going thru the drive thru on their lessons so I can get my lunch”
30. “They don’t mind parking up while I take a phone call from the other half”
31. “I only really swear when my pupil doesn’t get it”
32. “I was out on the piss last night”
33. “I was out on the piss today”
34. “What the other don’t know wont hurt”
35. “I always eat my lunch in the car, I love onions”
36. “So I said, have you trod in dog shit”
37. “iv got a pupil that has a real body odour problem so I gave her a bottle of Sure”. “Tried being subtle and that”.
38. “I washed my car last month, it will just get dirty again in this weather”
39. “If she/he don’t pass today, im binning them, 3rd test for them today”
40. “They love hearing about my love life, it makes them laugh” (no it does not)……………………………………………………………………………………………
Motto of the story:
Always look after the new Instructors and never forget how difficult it was to get your green badge. Don’t take it for granted. Enjoy your work and treat your pupils with respect no matter ware they come from. They are paying you, so they come first when they have their lesson. Always remember why you wanted to join this profession. Don’t let the “Hunts” of this world stop you believing in your self and what you can accomplish if you want it bad enough.
Well thank you for reading and please feel free to write any comments below. Next time I will tell you how I got through part two and part three.
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